John J. Murphy, Ph.D.

My dissertation topic was on the interrelationship between global self-esteem and a specific fear, the fear of flying. In recent months, I've become interested in how self-esteem relates to success in interpersonal relationships. There might well be a special relationship especially with dating and courtship. After all, while confidence is seen as attractive, anxiety is often seen as its opposite.

I see social anxiety as a special type of anxiety as it can have a more detrimental affect on relationships, which causes self-esteem to plummet, which, as you'll see, then reinforces the original anxiety.

Let's first understand why social anxiety exists then briefly explore its relationship to low self-esteem and relationship problems, before finally getting to the gist of what we can do about it.

Chapter 1: Why Social Anxiety Exists
Chapter 2: Negative Self-Talk and Self-Esteem
Chapter 3: Regaining Control
Chapter 4: You and Your Therapist
Chapter 5: In Conclusion or Sorry, I Can't Give You Self-Esteem

Recall from the general anxiety section that anxiety is an evolved protection system. You're hiking in the woods, you see a mountain lion, your inner guard -- your secret service agent -- goes haywire and prepares your body for battle. Among other things, it elevates your heart beat, produces tunnel vision (to better focus on the threat) and produces sweat (to better slip away). The two criteria the secret service agent uses to assess the threat are 1) how strong you are compared to the threat and 2) what would happen if the feared event (i.e. getting pounced upon) actual occurs. The weaker you feel compared to the mountain lion and the more harmful the worst case scenario is, the more anxious you'll end up feeling.

Our anxiety response system was designed to deal with ancient, not modern ones.

Our anxiety system developed when we were in the stone age. It was well suited for the threats of that era. But now, in modern times, it just doesn't suite us as well. The sweating, rapid heart beat, and tunnel vision that can help evade a mountain lion doesn't help us at all against a modern threat, such as a multiple choice test, or an airplane trip, or an attempt to go approach that girl over there.

Now you might be thinking, "hey wait, it makes sense for my body to react this way to protect me from a mountain lion, by why do I freak out at a party?" After all, it's just a group of random strangers, many of whom you might not ever seen again anyway, right?

Remember, most of our mental systems evolved in the Stone Age. This explains why today we're so overweight as a society. We evolved to deal with food shortages -- quite common for our ancestors -- by packing on the pounds when food was available. In our modern world, where food is now always available, we still keep packing on the pounds while our body, always preparing for a potential famine, readily resists any effort to burn up excess fuel.

In ancient times there were less people and less civilized discourse. Back then, rejection could have dire consequences.

Consider that back in the Stone Age, there was no such thing as a Los Angeles. In fact, anthropologists note that most of our ancestors lived in packs of no more than 15 or 20 people. What would happen back then if you were kicked out of your group? It probably meant death. After all, you probably wouldn't be able to survive on your own without the help of others. If you tried to join some other group, it's likely they would be wary of outsiders -- they might kill you on the spot! So there was a strong desire to remain a member of the group. And with each group, there were only so many resources to go along. There may have been a constant theme of proving yourself to show that you were worthy of being included in this small community.

Of course, we don't know exactly what it was like back then. But we do know that this is often what happens when there are small groups that must band together to survive. We see a similar behavior in wolf packs and in groups of primates in the jungle.

In such a group, there would undoubtedly be a desire for men to show that they were productive and capable. There would be a desire for women to remain connected and have strong social bonds. Everyone would have a desire to be seen as good at what they do, to be seen as a contributing member of their team. We see this today. Soldiers, policemen, and firemen will sacrifice everything for their group, their team. And everyone, be it a cop, a mom, or a janitor likes to be seen as good at what they do.

Just as everyone aspires to be great at what they do, a common fear is being sub-par and being exposed as a fraud for it.

The flip side of the coin is that there will be a common fear, a fear of being seen as not good or not a worthwhile member. An extremely common fear in people who have social anxiety is the fear of being seen as a fraud. After all, what happens if you're on an island with a small band of people, your job is to be the fisherman, and it's discovered you're not good at catching fish at all? If it's like the TV show, you're voted off! And back then, the result of being voted off can be just as bad as the result of being stalked by a mountain lion. Thus, our body uses the same response system to handle a group of angry village people as it uses to handle a mountain lion, complete with racing heart, sweaty palms, and tunnel vision.

The problem, of course, is that we live in a modern world where threats are not best dealt with by a rapid heart beat or profuse sweating. Yet it's still our instinct to view the world in terms of the Stone Age. We tend to see our group not as a massive city with 4 million people but of a small town with 20 people.

To take an example of this, suppose you're at an airport, you're single, and you have an hour to kill before a flight. While waiting you happen to see an attractive person (guy or girl) at a local coffee shop, sitting alone. You have nothing but time and would like to approach the person. Do you do the approach? Of course not! The moment you do, you feel a sense of anxiety, perhaps dread. You rationalize your inaction. Maybe you try to think of some indirect way of meeting him or her.

In the modern world, this makes no sense. Let's say you approach him and he rejects you. What have you lost? You'll probably never see him again anyway. You'll probably never see the other people in the coffee shop either and, if anything, they would only appreciate your initiative. Let's say it's a she and after a few awkward seconds her boyfriend approaches. He's certainly not going to get violent just because you approached her to start a conversation.

Social anxiety begins to make sense when understood in the context of the Stone Age world.

But in the Stone Age it would make sense to feel apprehensive about approaching. Why? Let's say you're a male, a caveman, and you live in a Klan of twenty people. Let's say in this clan there are 10 women and ten men. You're looking to find a mate. Of the women, perhaps two are probably too young, and three are too old. That leaves five women for you. Let's say you approach and you do it poorly. Who is she going to tell? Well, probably her four friends, who will then want nothing to do with you! Now you have no chance of passing on your genes. And if she has a boyfriend, he's not going to be a civilized member of modern society, with the fear of God and the airport policemen. He'll take it as a personal affront and it will be him and his friends against you.

You're giving a speech at a wedding. In the modern world, most people won't remember your speech anyway. If you don't do a good job, no one is going to care. But in the Stone Age world, if you're supposed to be smart and capable, and you give a bad speech, you'll lose a lot of status. And when resources are slim, status means everything. Who wants to be friends with a person who doesn't have status or resources? If you end up offending someone, they might just attack you on the spot. Better not put yourself out there. If you do, you'd better be prepared to run away, and quick. Better to have a rapid heart beat, tunnel vision, sweaty palms to run away. And there you have social anxiety.

Social anxiety exists to protect us from ancient threats of social rejection, which often meant being attacked or being completely rejected by society. But this social anxiety is no longer useful in the modern world. Hence, what used to be adaptive is now considered a disorder, specifically, social anxiety disorder.

Recall from Chapter 1 that when we see a mountain lion our secret service agent--the program in our mind designed to get us to react to threatening scenarios -- will assess the mountain lion threat based upon two criteria. Criteria one is how strong we are compared to the mountain lion. Criteria two is what would happen if the mountain lion gets us.

Let's say Jeff is a hypothetical everyman hiking in the mountains. He sees a mountain lion. The first assessment is that it's a huge, well armed lion and he is a comparatively weak, unarmed man. His secret service agent will scream, "WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!! WE'RE WEAK!!! WE CAN'T WIN!!!" The second assessment doesn't go well either: "WE WILL DIE. IT WILL BE HORRIBLE. WE'LL BE DEAD!!!!" Only this happens so automatically that Jeff mostly just feels the flood of anxiety as well as the hormones activating his sympathetic nervous system (the one you use to get moving). Afterwards, in a wise attempt to prevent a future exposure, in which Jeff might not be as lucky enough to escape from, Jeff's agent might say, "hey, we really shouldn't go there anymore; we gotta find some place else to go because we're just not strong enough and if we lose, that means terrible things."

The problem is that when Jeff is at a party, and it's his turn speak about something, or be funny, or look like he's having a good time, his secret service agent will tend to overestimate the threat and underestimate his abilities "WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!! WE'RE WEAK!!! WE CAN'T WIN!!!" Then it will overestimate the consequences of failure "WE WILL DIE. IT WILL BE HORRIBLE. WE'LL BE DEAD!!!!" After a bad party, Jeff's agent might say, "hey, we really shouldn't go there anymore; we gotta find some place else to go because we're just not strong enough and if we lose, that means terrible things."

People with social anxiety will often avoid parties the way an un-armed hiker will avoid a trail where mountain lions were spotted.

Sound familiar? If Jeff has been having problems in his life, such as new stressors, or a bad relationship, his self-assessment might be pretty poor. He might over-generalize, or focus only on his weaknesses, or just be really surprised to learn that what to be easy in college is no longer such a walk in the park. His secret service agent might interpret all this to mean that he's not as strong as he used to be. Perhaps he's weak! And by golly, if he's weak at work, he might be weak socially, or physically. He might do something stupid and mess up his chances for passing on his genes, or fending off an adversary. Better play it safe! Better to assume that we're weak! We can't win!

Now, this next part is crucial. A vicious cycle occurs. Jeff feels more anxious. In preparation for an attack, his heart rate will elevate and his palms will sweat. He'll notice this. He'll assume that because his heart is elevated, he must be stressed, so he must be uncomfortable. He'll also assume that everyone else is noticing him being stressed and uncomfortable. This makes him even more anxious, more apprehensive.

Then, he'll leave. This is actually the worst thing Jeff can do, because what does it say to the secret service agent? That the agent was right! That he is socially inept! Better send the message, "hey, we really shouldn't go there anymore; we gotta find some place else to go because we're just not strong enough and if we lose, that means terrible things."

Leaving a phobic situation reinforces the sense that the situation is a valid threat that should be avoided, resulting in a larger phobia reaction in the future.

So the secret service agent will send messages with two themes: 1) you're weak/stupid/a fraud and 2) if you screw up again, you might not survive like you did last time. Wow. Just because of a few awkward moments at a party? What a horrible secret service agent, right? But fear not! With a little work, you can retrain your secret service agent, as we'll see in chapter 3.

Look at your sub-conscious as a series of workers and agents working in your body and alerting you when necessary.

Let's say you also have a hunger agent to alert you whenever it feels you should eat. As this agent evolved during times of famine, it's agenda will be typically to keep you on the heavy side, lest there be another famine. This can be very problematic in today's world of overabundance. If you let the hunger agent rule your life, you'll probably become overweight. It's ultimately your responsibility to know that we live in an era of permanent feast and that you'll have to put in a little conscious effort to control that voice before it controls you.

You can eat less fattening but more filling foods, or eat at consistent times, or think to yourself "I'd rather have a nice desert than all of these chips." You might even visualize yourself as eating healthy or strategically eat a large meal if you know you might be tempted to cheat later on. Whichever strategy you employ, the first step is to realize that just because you have a hunger signal, doesn't mean you should be eating. The more you give in to this signal, the stronger it tends to become in the future. The more active you become in lowering that signal (e.g. eating at consistent times, eating more filling foods), the more manageable it can become.

Just like we learn to manipulate our hunger single to help manage our weight, we must also learn to manipulate our anxiety signals to help manage phobias and anxiety.

Likewise, your secret service agent will send you a signal that says "danger! Let's get out of here!!" In many cases, it's appropriate to listen to this signal. But at other times, this signal is inappropriate. If you always give in to the signal, you'll teach your agent that all such signals are correct and accurate. Just like there are steps to reduce the intensity of the signal for hunger there are behavioral steps to reduce the intense of the signal for anxiety.

Fortunately, dealing with the secret service agent is typically much easier than dealing with the hunger agent. Just like a person can learn interventions to control their hunger agent a person can learn interventions to control their secret service agent. I eat a hefty helping of non-instant oatmeal each morning. It does wonders in terms of controlling my hunger. I learned how to do this from a cookbook. Likewise, I learned how to relax my body and applied those steps to reduce my anxiety before my state licensing exam.

Just as you learned to ride a bike you can learn how to relax and train your body to do so.

There are also mental steps to take. The first step is to realize that just because you have an anxious signal doesn't mean that it's an accurate signal. The voice you hear, the voice that says you're weak and the world is dangerous, is from the Stone Age. The voice can be so silent compared to the emotions that it seems at times non-existent. But it's there. It's automatic. It's there to protect you. But like any overprotective mother, it feels it always has to stay on the safe side. So it will tend to over-estimate a threat and underestimate your ability to cope.

Look at it like you just hired a real-life secret service agent. His job is to protect you. Will he do his job if he assumes the world is a safe place? Nope. His job is to assume the world is dangerous and you can't handle it all on your own. His job is to overestimate a given threat and underestimate your ability to cope if you encounter that threat.

But it's your job to take what he's saying and judge it. You have to realize when his message is accurate and when he's being overprotective. If it was up to him, you'd never leave your house. But you can't live like that. You have to reason with the secret service agent.

Your secret service agent evolved during the Stone Age but also evolved to accept feedback from the conscious mind.

Fortunately, the secret service agent isn't an unreasonable man. Imagine he came to you saying you really shouldn't take that trip to Bali because it might be dangerous. If you can present evidence that Bali is safe, he's likely to adopt your point of view. Now, if you also provide evidence that he made an error in his assessment of Bali that feedback can make a big impact, especially if you can do this process pretty quickly and be assertive about it. Likewise, once you identify your internal automatic thoughts, you can then isolate them, dispute them, and actually take action to prove or disprove such thoughts.

Continuing the analogy, the first step would be to take a small trip to safe, friendly county. Let your secret service agent get used to that concept. Then step it up a notch. Go to a slightly more intimidating country. Again, let the agent get used to it. If he acts up--put him in his place. Dispute what he's saying. Let him know that just because he has a fear doesn't mean that fear is accurate. That sends a powerful message. Let him know you won't do anything stupid but even if you do, it won't be the end of the world.

This is where you start to gain control over the social anxiety.

My job is to guide you along this path. First and foremost, I'll help you identify those negative automatic thoughts, the specific messages about your self-assessment and the assessment of the outside world. Then I'll essentially train you to focus on them, dispute them, and detach yourself from them so they lose their impact.

Therapy for social anxiety involves learning how to handle the negative, automatic thoughts and teaching body relaxation both in general and in high-stress situations.

Intermixed in the whole process are behavioral strategies to lower your base anxiety level. We'll go over exercises you'll want to do on a daily or at least regular basis to make you more relaxed in general and less prone to feel anxious when a stressor comes along.

We'll progress in small but steady steps to face these fears. It's not going to be all at once. No one expects you to go out to a large, crowded party if you're barely able to leave your house. Most of what I do for exposure therapy is to find just the right step that's manageable yet a little bit of a challenge. It's similar to a personal trainer picking the right weight: not too much, not too little.

Where does the hypnosis come in? We use hypnosis mostly for the relaxation but also for enhanced imagination. Oddly enough, your sub-conscious can't quite tell the difference between seeing something with your own eyes and imagining it. So if you imagine yourself doing well at a party or tolerating anxiety, it can actually train the secret service agent to accept these things as evidence, as a precedent. Hypnosis seems to really facilitate this process.

Most people visiting this site have done so because I perform stage hypnosis shows, where I mention my website. They see me take normal, everyday people and make them do amazing things after just a few minutes of a hypnotic induction.

What happens with many people is that they think that because I was so powerful on stage with hypnosis, that maybe I can hypnotize them to have an amazing self-esteem, or feel no anxiety ever, or to completely forget about the ex.

No to all three! I can only hypnotize people to do things that their sub-conscious considers safe. And the sub-conscious doesn't consider an anxiety-free life or complete amnesia about something or someone very safe. Actually, neither do I. In essence, I can hypnotize people on stage because their sub-conscious mind is okay with playing make-believe for a few hours. Yes, they really experience what I'm saying, but only because their mind knows that everything will be safe and it won't last forever. Long term, positive change requires retraining the mind, which can take a while.

A good rule of thumb is that I can produce positive change in therapy much much slower than the change you see on stage but much much faster than in the therapy of yesteryear, which involves lying on a therapist's couch an hour a day for five to ten years.

Also, the focus isn't really on producing positive change so much as it's about resolving negative issues. In other words, I can't give someone high self-esteem. I can, however, help them detach from their negative thoughts, thereby reducing negative self-esteem. The result is typically the same; high self-esteem typically results from an absence of low-self esteem. Put another way, the problem isn't the lack of a sun, it's the presence of clouds. More sun isn't going to help. That's not the problem. You have to remove the clouds.

So keep that in mind. When you come in and you want to resolve social anxiety -- or any anxiety, really -- the focus is going to be on small, measureable steps and progress will be measured in days or weeks, not hours (but fortunately, not years). It's not going to be a walk in the park but the steps you'll need to take will be manageable, especially if you do the relaxation exercises. There will be homework and therapy with me is an active process.

Anxiety treatment requires work--and homework! Fortunately people who are anxious are typically "Type-A" people who want to be more active in their therapy anyway. I've dealt with anxiety personally, so I know what people are going though, and I can empathize.

At the same time, know that there are other resources out there for social anxiety, or any type of anxiety for that matter. My path is just one route up the mountain. I believe that a therapist is best when he or she is matched with patients not just in terms of specialty but in terms of personality. After looking though this essay here, I hope you'll have a better understanding as to if you have social anxiety, or perhaps which specific type of anxiety you have, if at all. The next step is to understand which type of therapy you might prefer and who might be a good therapist for you. After all this, if you want to make an appointment, you can certainly contact me. We can setup a time to come in. Alternatively, you can also contact me if you're still unsure about just what you're dealing with or if you're looking for some other type of therapy, or some other type of therapist, and you don't know who to go to. Because of all the shows, I get more referrals than I can handle, so I'm very used to making referrals.

Lastly, if you do come in, be sure to let me know that "Yes, I'm already familiar with the whole secret service agent thing," so I don't have to repeat everything you just read right now! Thanks for reading!